“How I Wish” Stress From A Father
So before I begin, I want to clarify that this article won’t have any images at all. I want to change it up a bit, even if no one reads it. I guess what I want, with this article, is to keep it as a journal type of note that I can look back on a year from now and see the changes I’ve made for myself. Well, here it begins.
I’m a father of four kids. Life has its up and downs; it’s a rollercoaster, to say the least, but it is a bumpy ride.
Understanding all of this, there comes a time in your life where even the most confident, high self-esteem person breaks down and at times questions themselves or God. Questions begin to arise like: “Am I providing enough for my family? What is it that I should be doing with my life? I feel like giving up and just walking away.” Those are just some of the questions that I’ve been having lately.
Yes, I know; giving up doesn’t solve anything, but it’s how I feel. You get to a point in your life in which making enough money doesn’t seem enough; which of course with this whole pandemic and gas prices going up; doesn’t help much either. As I sit here and write this, listening to smooth jazz and with tears in my eyes, I wonder if my kids ever think about dad being stressed or maybe think that dad doesn’t have any money whenever I can’t get the ice cream this week or buy my son some Roblox money to get his favorite outfit. Is it because I’m getting older that I feel this way?
Sometimes I do wish that I walked outside and had a million dollars on my front porch just to pay off all debt that I have and help with financial situations. Sometimes, I wish that I could just sit in the house with my kids or travel the world and not worry about how much I spent or if I paid my rent yet. There have been times where I wasn’t able to pay my light and had to ask for help; which I hate doing. Or how about selling things that you have to provide for your family because of not having enough food on the table. This is hard man.
Nobody tells you as a child, that when you get older, life is going to kick you where it hurts; at least for me, they didn’t. It seems as if as kids or teenagers, we see our parents “have it all together” when they’ve worked their butt off day and night and have kept tons of things in the dark to avoid having their children see the struggles and emotions they feel as parents; and humans in general. But it is hard and painful, and plenty of times, sad. But oh how I wish.
How I wish to go back to when I was 14, and live my life as a teenager in school, cracking jokes on each other, having fun in classes, coming home to play video games, and sleeping in during the weekends. How I wish I had my parent’s here at all times, to comfort me when I feel worthless or tired. How I wish this struggle would go away of not being financially stable all time even when you work and work and work and more bills and debt pile up. How I wish it’d all go away. Until then, I’ll keep trying to be the best father that I can be, even when it hurts.